That Collection of Humanstuck Ficlets
by deerstorm
Summary: The title says it all. Here you will find a collection of completely self-indulgent Humanstuck one-shots based on my imagination of Humanstuck. Rated M just to be safe for offensive language. Enjoy the stories! (Due to the 4-character tag limit, only some of the characters featured in the stories will be tagged. This is one of the many reasons I hate FF. net.)
1. Information

Hello there, reader. Before we get started on the fanfiction, here's a bit of information that you may be interested in. You don't have to read it, of course; it isn't essential to the stories.

• I tried to make it as realistic as I could (not every family is a single parent with two kids, everyone has regular-coloured eyes, etc.), but there are some flaws.

• At the end of each chapter will be some information about my imagined Humanstuck families of the characters in the chapter. (sorry, that was pretty incoherent)

• I'll try to update… let's say Sundays and Thursdays or around there. When I run out of pre-written material it might be more sporadic, but it probably won't be.

• The rating is currently 'M', just to be safe, as there is some language that may offend readers. You have been warned!

• The chapters will likely have very varying lengths! They will all be at least 1,000 words guaranteed, _usually_ at least 1,500.

• If you want to make a request or anything, go right ahead! New ideas are welcome. I might not end up using them for a while, though.

• I usually only check over each story once quickly, so they're all potentially subject to micro-edits after posting.

That's all for now! If you want to know anything at all about my personal Humanstuck ideas or the fanfiction or anything, don't hesitate to PM me.


	2. Chapter 1: Karkat and John

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are so completely _fed the fuck up_. Ugh. Who knew a simple English project could be so frustrating? You're _done_.

Fortunately, you really are almost done, but you're getting bored. You decide to text John.

 **\- carcinoGeneticist started pestering ectoBiologist at 15:28 -**

CG: JOHN.

CG: JOHN, ARE YOU THERE.

CG: JOHN ANSWER YOUR FUCKING COMPUTER.

EB: okay, okay! no need to be aggressive.

CG: I AM PERPETUALLY AGGRESSIVE, EGBERT.

CG: IT REQUIRES PHYSICAL EFFORT TO BEHAVE OTHERWISE, AND I DO NOT CARE ENOUGH TO INVEST SAID EFFORT.

CG: ESPECIALLY WHEN EVERYONE I INTERACT WITH IS AN ENORMOUS TOOL.

EB: haha yeah i can kind of tell!

EB: about the aggression thing not the tool thing :B

EB: unless you're talking about dave or vriska in which case i can sympathize

EB: oh and also i'm on my phone!

CG: WHAT?

EB: you told me to answer my computer.

CG: HOLY SHIT JOHN, SERIOUSLY? LET IT GO.

EB: let it gooo, let it gooo!

CG: FUCK YOU.

EB: hehe

EB: anyway, why did you message me?

CG: BORED.

CG: SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING.

CG: WHAT WOULD I DO OTHER THAN PROCRASTINATE LIKE A WORTHLESS SACK OF STEAMING SHIT?

EB: :B

CG: INSIGHTFUL.

EB: shut up!

EB: hey, if you're so bored, want me to come over?

EB: i can walk from here, it's not *that* far.

CG: I KNOW HOW MUCH DISTANCE OR LACK THEREOF EXISTS BETWEEN OUR RESPECTIVE PLACES OF RESIDENCE, JOHN.

EB: bluh whatever

EB: i didn't even read half those words

CG: THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE AN UNEDUCATED SWINE.

CG: OR AT THE VERY LEAST AN IDIOT OF NEANDERTHALIC PROPORTIONS.

EB: pretty sure that doesn't mean anything!

CG: FUCK OFF. WHO ARE YOU, THE WORD POLICE?

CG: OFFICER "I ONLY READ HALF OF IMPORTANT TEXTS"?

EB: and you're officer shouty!

EB: anyway

EB: i'll ask my dad

CG: I DIDN'T EVEN SAY YOU COULD COME OVER, DUMBASS.

CG: ...

EB: ok i'll be there in maybe half an hour?

EB: probably a bit more i need to wrap some things up

CG: JOHN, WHAT IF I'M BUSY?

CG: WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR UGLY FUCKING MUG FOR ONE GODDAMN DAY?

CG: PLEASE GIVE ME A REFRAIN FROM THAT PARTICULAR TORTURE.

CG: I AM BEGGING YOU WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING

CG: I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH

CG: *PLEASE* DO NOT GO REMOTELY NEAR ME FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS.

CG: AT LEAST.

EB: aw you're so sweet

EB: no wonder all the ladies are falling at your feet

CG: FUCK, FINE. SEE YOU SOON I GUESS.

EB: you can't stop officer i only read half of important texts!

 **\- carcinoGeneticist stopped pestering ectoBiologist at 15:44 -**

You fall back in your chair and snort. John goddamn Egbert. A dork wrapped in a nerd wrapped in another shitty metaphor. He's just so sickeningly sincere with his dumb movies and chipper disposition. You'd shudder if you could muster the energy. He makes you want to vomit sometimes.

Today, though, you're kind of grateful for it. You really do need a break from this terrible project and it would be nice to interact with another living being. Maybe. Especially since he knows not to take your empty threats and insults seriously.

You glance back down at the giant board of construction paper lying on your floor. Upon it is glued a variety of papers, pictures, and diagrams. At least the project isn't hard, unless being _excruciatingly_ _tedious to the point that God himself would need to put it off for another day_ counts as being hard.

You sigh. It has to get done sometime, and it's due tomorrow. Gotta get it behind you. The homework fairy won't come and tap it with her sparkling pencil wand to magically complete it.

You snort at the absurd mental image you've conjured up of your plump English teacher with wings and a wand.

At last, you plop back down on the soft carpet and resume your unfinished gluing job.

Perhaps you'll put on that Shia Labeouf video later. Just for fun. Maybe it'll help. It'll at least make Egbert with his stunted, 10-year-old sense of humour laugh.

* * *

Your name is John Egbert and you're scrambling out of your door, shouting a rushed goodbye to your dad. He lifts his newspaper and nods, then the door shuts and you're sprinting down the sidewalk.

Your energy peters out after a minute, but you've covered a decent amount of distance. You keep walking.

Finally, you arrive at the Vantas household, nearly walking past it in your distraction. You walk up the driveway and push the doorbell. It doesn't ring. Maybe Karkat broke it by smashing it too hard? It seems likely. The Vantases will probably call over Sollux's dad to fix it. They're good friends, after all.

You knock instead, and a familiar boy in a red sweater you've never seen before, a bit taller than you, opens the door. You grin.

"Hey, Kankri!" you say. "Nice sweater. Is it new? Where's it from?"

He flushes deep red, nodding a bit, and mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like 'porridge', along with a couple other jumbled words.

You shrug. "Where's Karkat?"

"Karkat," calls Kankri softly up the stairs. He's always quiet in case of some kind of 'trigger' or something. You aren't really sure. "Your friend is here."

A moment passes, and Karkat yells a reply back down, far louder than his older brother. "Yeah, yeah! Tell him to come to my room!"

Kankri's eyes narrow slightly; you barely catch it as you barrel past him. You glimpse the Vantases' dad in the kitchen, waving a quick hello before dashing up the stairs.

"Hey Karkat!" you greet him, taking a moment to catch your breath. "So, the project-"

"Yeah. I'm actually almost done, just help with the last bit." Karkat's voice is awkwardly overloud, but you suppose he has to compensate for the eery quiet of the house somehow.

You sit down next to Karkat on the floor. "How hard is it?"

"It is absolute fucking cow shit, John. The extent of the resemblance of this godawful project to bovine fecal matter is fucking spectacular. Do you understand me, John?"

Ah. So it's a fairly easy assignment. "Just tell me what you need me to do," you say, sitting down next to Karkat on the floor.

"Moral support for now," Karkat replies. "Unless I need to bake a fucking cake for this thing, in which case I am sure your astounding expertise in that field will once again awe me."

You cringe. Ugh, cake. "Don't talk about cake! I'm sick of cake."

"You literally say that every fucking time someone brings up cake."

"Then stop bringing it up."

Karkat doesn't reply to that, choosing to stare at his project instead. After a moment of blank staring, he slams his fist into the middle of the paper he was scribbling on and leaves it there, expression slightly harrowed.

You patiently pluck your friend's hand from the paper and deposit it gently on the ground. "Chill," you tell your friend. The things you do for this friendship.

"Wow. I am fucking flabbergasted. Holy fuck, my friend is a goddamn philosopher or some shit. I think I'm having a religious experience. Kill me now and put me out of this pure fucking ecstasy, I can't handle it. I think my tiny fucking peanut brain is about to burst from all the-"

You take Karkat's face between your hands and squish it so his words are nigh-incomprehensible. You can feel your prankster's gambit shooting through the roof. How does that even count as a prank?

Ah well. You won't argue; the gambit never lies.

"-John, you piece of shit, release me," slurs Karkat. You giggle at him and let go.

"Thank you, John. Thank you so much for stopping the leaky fucking faucet that is my mouth, spraying shitty metaphorical water all over the place. I am so grateful for your painful squashing efforts, John. So fucking-"

You pat him on the cheek and he quiets instantly. He looks a bit sleepy, in fact.

"You're so gosh-darn weird, Karkat," you say, then wrinkle your nose.

"'Gosh-darn'? Who the actual fuck says that?"

You pout at him. "I guess Jade's rubbing off on me. Never going to say it again, don't worry."

"Oh, don't let me discourage you," snorts Karkat. "Please. Say 'gosh-darn' as many times as your tiny disgusting heart desires. I won't judge you. Not out loud, anyway."

You roll his eyes. "Maybe I will."

"Maybe you won't."

"Whatever." You stand up and stretch, knocking a small Squiddle figurine off Karkat's desk.

"Dickshit!" curses the other boy angrily. "What the fucking fuck, John?"

"Sorry! It was an accident! Where did you even get this?" You hold up the toy, inspecting it in the light.

Karkat snatches it from your hands. "Jade gave it to me, okay? Does it have to be a huge fucking goddamn deal?" A light blush colours his cheeks.

 _Someone has a crush._ That's actually pretty cute.

You shrug. "Sorry. Didn't mean to."

Karkat turns back to his project, dropping the Squiddle into his pants pocket. "Fine."

It's silent for a moment or two, and you begin to fidget. "So," you finally say. "I was at Dave's house-"

"That dicklord?" Karkat interrupts. "Fuck that."

"Hey! He's not that bad-"

"He's a fucking shitdick."

"Great, you know how to use bad words. I forgot what I was going to say now!" you huff.

"Tragic," is Karkat's sarcastic reply.

"Fuck you," you retort.

Karkat rolls his eyes. "I'll pass."

"Gross!" you whine.

Karkat flips you off and turns back to his project, scribbling down a few words.

"Uh... Karkat, shouldn't you be making that a bit neater?"

"No. Fuck you. I give absolutely zero shits about this goddamn project and I will make it show. Who cares about marks?"

"I don't know, maybe your job prospects? Seriously."

"Like it's going to depend on one retarded project."

"Karkat."

Kankri is standing in the doorway, drawing himself up to his full height. "I apologize if chastising you in front of your friend is triggering or offensive to you in any way, Karkat-" he turns to you- "likewise for witnessing your friend's chastisement, John. By the way, we still need to discuss your triggers-" oh God, you hope that that's an empty threat- "but Karkat, please refrain from using ableist slurs. It is highly damaging to the still merely tentative acceptance of disabled people. In fact, I would highly appreciate it if you tried to stop using curses, slurs, or vulgar slang of any kind-"

"Shut the fuck up and GET THE FUCK OUT," interrupts Karkat loudly, short temper on the brink of being lost.

"Karkat-" calls Mr. Vantas from downstairs.

"You too, Dad! John, give me a pillow."

You wordlessly hand him a pillow, and he chucks it hard at his brother, then stands up and strides to the door. Kankri's face is priceless, the picture of outraged offence. "Karkat!" he snaps. "That kind of behaviour-"

Karkat slams the door shut in his face, barely missing his nose. When he turns back his face is cherry-red from anger and exertion. You giggle.

"As I was saying... my future will depend on one _retarded_ project. I can see it now." He drops his voice to a much lower pitch. "'So, Mr. Vantas, I see on your résumé that you're perfectly qualified for this very well-paying, great job. In fact, you're the best candidate we've ever had. Just one problem... remember that one half-assed shitty project you did, like, ten fucking years ago? Well, sorry, you can't work here. Guess you should have put more effort in.'"

You nod thoughtfully, eyebrows raised slightly. "One problem with that," you tell Karkat. "How are _you,_ of all people, overqualified for any job that isn't yelling at assholes?"

Karkat's eyes narrow. "The job is probably motivational yelling. Maybe I'm a coach of sweaty assholes who throw shitty leather balls and sticks of wood around a rhombus of grass."

"And it makes them cry."

"Exactly. Jesus, I never realized how obscene sports sound before."

Kankri peeks in. "Don't use the Lord's name in-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, KANKRI!" bellows Karkat. "I swear to God – GOD, Kankri – that asshole eavesdrops on everything I say."

Kankri scowls and walks away, footsteps echoing down the quiet hall.

"I bet you could tell him eavesdropping is one of your triggers," suggests Karkat.

You shrug. You probably won't; you don't want to lie or make Kankri feel bad.

You gesture back at the forgotten project, changing the subject.. "I think you're done."

"I think I'm done," agrees Karkat. "It is truly a masterpiece worthy of a half-assed art gallery. The sheer shittiness of this project goes beyond anything anyone ever imagined. This exact project will be fucking mass-produced and used as an example of what not to do all over the world. It would probably cost negative money to create these. It probably-"

You cut him off. "You're ranting again. It reminds ume of Dave's weird rambling."

Karkat's expression darkens. "The ass-shit again?"

"What's with those insults?"

"It's a fucking gift. Expanding my vocabulary, one curse at a time. Get with the fucking program, John. Take your head out of your ass."

He laughs and swats you. You just barely manage to resist the urge to smile.

* * *

For some reason, I find Karkat fairly easy to write. This does not necessarily mean I am good at it, though.

Okay, time for some end-of-chapter family information!

 **Karkat and Kankri live with their dad, Kankri Sr., and his girlfriend Dacia (the Humanstuck Disciple). The family is religious but Karkat doesn't really take it seriously.**

 **John lives with his little sister Casey and his dad.**


	3. Chapter 2: Terezi

Your name is Terezi Pyrope and you're _so_ hungry right now.

You skipped breakfast this morning since you slept in way too late and had to rush to school. You're even wearing mismatched socks.

You told this to Dave when he asked why you looked so "dead to the world", by which you assume he meant "tired". He then asked if you had had toast in your mouth as you ran to school. You stuck out your long tongue and informed him that you actually took the _bus_ to school and that the whole point was that you had no time for breakfast and toast _is_ breakfast.

He shrugged and muttered something about " _so_ not kawaii", then turned on his heel and swung his bag over his shoulder in a combo move that would have been super smooth… if he'd pulled it off. Instead, though, he fumbled and almost dropped the bag. When he recovered, his face was pink and his hair was messed up. He hurried off before you could tease him. You don't think anyone saw, but you'll still hold it over his head. Forever.

Either way, you can't wait for class to be over so you can _finally_ eat lunch with Vriska. You think she might have invited her newest boyfriend. You aren't sure, but it seems pretty likely; it's not like she'd ask you or anything. Even though she always demands that you ask her.

You sigh. Well, it's not like you're just going to stop being her friend. You tried that for a year after she forced you to stare directly into the sun for a few minutes in eighth grade. Your vision was barely there for a little while, but it recovered eventually with the help of Vriska's older sister Aranea. She felt terrible for her little sister's actions and helped you figure out how to get around, and even forced you to take stinging eyedrops that _did_ work in the end.

That was all for Vriska's dumb idea of 'revenge' after you tripped her and she broke her arm. She deserved it, anyway; she had been acting like a total bitch to Aradia, and everyone knows what bullying did to the girl's older sister Damara.

You forgave her anyway. It turned out to be worth it, too; she, along with Karkat, helped you realize that your boyfriend at the time, Gamzee, wasn't good for you. You teamed up with her to fuck with him, and he left you alone after that.

You snap yourself out of that particular train of thought as you realize everyone's staring at you. The teacher says something to you. Shit, did he notice that you weren't paying attention?

"Pardon me?" you ask sweetly. You'll probably be fine. The class is working on criminal law for the sociology unit, and that's all you've been focusing on for the past week or so.

"Can you tell me, Miss Pyrope," he repeats, obviously annoyed, "what the three types of incomplete crimes are?"

You almost roll your eyes. _Too easy._

"The three types of inchoate crimes-" you make sure to place subtle emphasis on 'inchoate', just to one-up him a little— "are criminal attempt, criminal conspiracy, and criminal solicitation."  
"Very good." He nods almost grudgingly. He turns to the board and begins to explain them one by one. You immediately tune her out; you know all of this already. You're only taking this course because you have to if you want to follow in your mom's footsteps and be a kickass lawyer. You grin to yourself. She's your biggest hero.

You stomach suddenly rumbles, reminding you that you haven't eaten in almost sixteen hours. You put your head on your desk, ignoring the teacher's sharp look of disapproval, and slip back into daydreams about delicious food.

After what seems like hours, the lunch bell _finally_ rings. The teacher turns around to survey the class. Everyone is tense, anticipating his dismissal. He sighs and waves his hand and chaos descends upon the classroom as everyone begins to shove their things into their bags and race for the door.

* * *

You meet Vriska by her locker a little bit later, lunchbag in hand. "Come on," you say, gesturing to the hall.

She smirks. "Not so fast, Pyrope. We have to wait for Joke."

You wrinkle your nose. She _did_ invite him after all. "What kind of a name is Joke for a boy?"

She rolls her eyes at you. "It's not his _real_ name. _Duuuh._ "

You shrug. She knows that you know that perfectly well. She's just trying to start an argument. It doesn't really work on you.

Well, you might as well go enjoy lunch with her and her boyfriend. It isn't like she'll relent; it's set in stone now that he is coming to lunch. You'll be eating alone before she ditches him.

At last, a bespectacled boy with a dark tan hurries over to Vriska. "Hello, Vriska!" he greets. "And I take it this is Terezi?"

His voice retains faint traces of what sounds like a fake English accent. You grin toothily and nod. "That's me."

"I'm Jake!" he replies, holding out his hand. You shake it. It's warm and calloused, probably from climbing trees or something. He spends a _lot_ of time outside in the sun, judging by his tan.

Vriska smiles widely and gestures for you and Jake to follow her. She leads you outside to a large tree where a few ninth-graders are sitting and beginning their lunch. She glares at them and tells them to go somewhere else. At first they resist, but her intimidation is too much in the end and they walk off, grumbling.

She plops down in the shade and invites you two to sit next to her. You gladly oblige, Jake following shortly after. You pull a sandwich out of your lunchbag and take a huge bite. It tastes like green. Not a bad colour.

"Hey, Terezi!" Vriska says after a few minutes of quiet. "Show Jake your- I can't pronounce it. Your colour thing, you know!"

You smirk at her. "Synesthesia. It's not like a party trick, Vriska. I'll have you know it's a serious condition."

"Come _on,_ " she pleads.

You give in after a minute or so. "Okay, okay. What should I do?"

Vriska whispers something to Jake, probably telling him about your 'serious condition'. He looks a little startled, then excited. Yep, she definitely told him.

"Okay, zero."

"Candy-red."

"One."

"Burgundy."

"What about… ten?"

You wrinkle your nose. "Indigo-purple. Kind of. Also a lot of colours, but mostly indigo-purple."

"Two?"

"Red and blue, but also brown."

"What about the most important number… eight?" She laughs.

"Cerulean." Ever since you told her that eight feels like cerulean, it's been her favourite colour.

"Eight eights!"

"Double-cerulean."

She pauses to count on her fingers. "Eight eight eight eight eight eight eight eights!"

You shrug. "Probably double-cerulean squared. You know, the main thing for me isn't numbers and letters."

"I know, I know. But what exactly are you going to smell or _lick_ that you haven't already smelled or licked before? Certainly not Joke here."

Jake glances at her, then at you. "You can smell me if you want," he says. "It would be interesting to know what I smell like!"

You shoot a look at Vriska and move over to him. You give him a creepy smile and sniff the air around him. You award him points for not looking freaked out. "It feels green… and kind of hopeful? I dunno how to describe it."

"Oh, remember how Vriska kept asking about eights? What's so special about eights?" asks Jake.

You and Vriska glance at each other. "It's an inside joke, Joke," replies Vriska.

You two erupt into giggles, even though it's not that funny. Jake rolls his eyes. "That doesn't even make sense, Vriska," he tells her.

You stick out your tongue at him. "Shut up, _Joke_. Doesn't have to make sense, stupid."

Tavros wanders by, and turns his head when he hears 'Joke'.

"Uh... I'll have you know, Vriska, that the name of my good buddy here is, in fact, not Joke, but Jape."

Jake's confident grin at Tavros's first words falters at the last, and he sighs. "Yes, my name is Jape. It's official now."

Vriska laughs and you raise an eyebrow. "Nope. Still Joke. Even if your name isn't Joke, you're definitely a joke."

You make an 'ehh' noise and mimic weighing two things with your hands, like scales. "That one wasn't that good…"

"He's probably too dumb to notice," Vriska replies.

That one was also kinda weak, but you don't say anything. Jape rolls his eyes.

The bell rings, signalling the end of lunch, and you stand up, stretching. Jake starts to move but Vriska holds him back. "You go ahead, Terezi," she tells you. "I want to talk to Joke."

He starts to protest, but you know it'll do him no good. "But Vriska! We'll be late for class if we stay behind too long-"

"Shhhhhhhh." You know that she counted out eight seconds as she shushed him. You raise an eyebrow at her, and she grins at you.

"So, _Joke,_ " she begins loudly. You don't stay long enough to hear the rest.

* * *

Damn I suck at conclusions.

 **Terezi lives with her older sister Latula and their mother Gloria. Gloria is usually nicknamed 'Red', though. Gloria was divorced from her husband before Terezi ever knew him. Yes, Latula and Gloria wear glasses, no, they are not red-tinted.**

 **Vriska has a twin. Deerstorm can't think of a Humanstuck name for (Vriska), so she will not write anything concerning (Vriska) until she can. Their older sister is Aranea and their mother is Mindy. She was never married. She is probably having several affairs at any given time.**


	4. Chapter 3: Dirk

Your name is Dirk Strider and you've been bored for the past fifteen minutes.

Someone's approaching your door. Finally. It swings open with a small creak.

"Bro?" Dave's voice.

You turn around to look at your little brother. "Yeah?" you ask. You move your head so your shades glint just so in the light. You know it looks badass; you practiced in the mirror. You refuse to admit how many times.

Something's wrong; he looks at the ground and shuffles his feet around a bit. He seems awkward and nervous. What could possibly be going on? He's never like this.

You tactfully decide to avoid bringing it up. Playful embarrassment probably isn't a great idea right now. "What is it?"

"Well... okay, so. I'm just gonna kinda... uh, talk. Yeah. Okay. So. Uh, you know John and how you need to, like, explicitly state everything you want him to know like he's a fucking two-year-old because he never puts shit together?"

You nod. Where's this going? You're starting to get a little bit concerned. He's practically stammering. The kid never hesitates if he can help it; that's why his rambles stretch on so long. The word pile just doesn't stop from getting taller… usually. You think Dave would appreciate the excellent five-hat use of that shitty meme- wait, he's talking again. You focus on what he's saying.

"And you know how Jade is like... well, I used to be kinda closer to her, and we're still friends but it's... different? Y'know?"

You nod again, more slowly this time, confusion mounting. What's Dave trying to say? He even looks like he's confusing himself.

"Ugh, nevermind. This whole thing is fucking dumb. Sorry for wasting your time." He turns to go, but you quickly step between him and the doorway.

"Nope. Now I'm curious. Tell me."

He glares up at you for a moment, then he sighs defeatedly. His gaze flickers down again, then to the side, looking anywhere but your face, avoiding your eyes.

"How... um, Dirk."

He almost never calls you by your real name.

"How did..." He's reluctant, acting as though the words are being ripped unwillingly from his mouth. "How did you... you know..."

"I don't know. Tell me," you interrupt, starting to get a bit impatient. You take a deep breath and calm yourself; you can't snap at Dave when he's obviously distressed. You can and totally will tease him later, but now he needs you to listen.

He takes off his shades with a motion that would be comical in any other situation and looks directly into your eyes (well, through your own shades, of course).

"How did you... like, to your friends, I mean..." He makes a little frustrated noise. His face is redder than the sleeves of his shirt. "Uh... how- how did you… come out?"

You snap back from Concerned Parent Mode to Supercool Brother mode. You almost laugh; it wasn't anything important, just classic teen sexuality problems.

You are going to tease him about this forever. You'll mention it in your speech at his wedding. Maybe he'll be marrying a man. That would just be perfect. You award yourself five hats out of five for that particular great idea.

No time to fantasize about amazing possibilities now. "Dude. It's not that big a deal." You smile in a way that you hope is reassuring.

He relaxes visibly, clenched fists curling back into open hands and tense shoulders slumping a bit. "God, that whole thing I just said sounded dumb. And clichéd. So many regrets. The regret pile doesn't stop from getting more vertically massive. I couldn't have just told you without blushing and stammering like a... a... a virgin on her wedding night? Shit, that was weak. Good job, Dave. Congratulations. Your coolkid license has been officially revoked for an unforgivable act of-"

"Shut up, Dave," you say. His ramble is fumbled and disorganized, even more so than usual. Maybe that has something to do with the palpable relief in his voice. He's looking away again, though; you can tell he's still nervous. He needs your support.

You'll go back to Parent Mode in a minute. But first...

A grin spreads across your face, and you practically sing out your next words. "So, Daaave... who's the lucky boy?" You can almost hear the tildes in your voice. Hell fucking yes.

He looks uncomfortable, fidgeting with his shades. He glances down and seems to realize they're still off his face. He quickly fixed that, shoving them over his eyes hastily in a way that makes you wince for the poor arms of the shades, the way they're bending. He looks like he feels better with them on… once he rights them, at least. "Answer me first."

You narrow your eyes and think. Honestly, your "coming out" to your friends didn't even really happen. You realized you liked boys in eighth grade after thinking about your friend Roxy's obvious crush on you and wondering what was wrong with you because you didn't like her back. Every boy had wanted to date her, after all. It had just sort of dawned on the various members of your friend group that that was who you were, and they never really had anything to say about it. Well… except when you aggressively came onto your guy friend who was almost painfully straight. You still look back and cringe at that.

You say as much to Dave, omitting the last part, of course, and he deflates. "Oh," he says, disappointed. "So you can't help me?"

You raise an eyebrow. "Who ever said that?"

He looks hopeful again, then groans when you remind him helpfully that the girl who had a crush on you was his friend Rose's "hot mom" (as Dave had referred to her in the past).

"I know," he laments, "and I wish I had never called her a hot mom now."

You smirk at him. There. Some of the tension is defused, and you can talk to your little bro. You take a deep breath and ready yourself for Serious Advice-Giving.

"Just relax, okay? If they aren't okay with it, you can't really stay friends with them knowing that anyway. They're bound to find out somehow and it's best if you tell them. Well, since you seem to think that _they'll_ think it matters that you're gay."

"Not _gay_ ," he interrupts. "I dunno, I don't really want a label for it. Just…" He shrugs. "Just like… I don't only like girls?"

You nod. "At any rate, it depends how you want to do it. I doubt you'll want to go full shitty movie and gather them all around to tell them dramatically, so maybe you could use Pesterchum. Just message John or someone like 'hey, heads up, I may develop a craving for your sweet ass, so be warned-'"

"Fuck off," he mumbles. "It isn't John." ( _So there_ is _someone_ , you think.)

"And you actually gave me an idea." He stands up. "I'll do the dramatic reveal. It'll have so many layers of irony that it'll be like a… a goddamn infinity onion. When you peel away the first layer there's just more irony underneath it, and so on for infinity because the onion never ends."

He pauses. "Hey, maybe I could make a Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff out of that." He's muttering to himself about the intricacies of the comic as he wanders out the door. "The onion never ends… metaphor… no, mephatror…"

You resist the urge to shed a purely ironic tear. You're so proud of him and his shitty comic.

No amount of brotherly-cum-parental pride, though, will stop you from embarrassing him with a picture of his dramatic announcement of his sexuality to his friends framed in gold on your bedside table. You _have_ to get it through any means possible.

You can almost see him now trying to hide his annoyed confusion behind a mask of irony (it doesn't work on you, for the record) as he asks you in a deadpan how you got that. You'd reply with... puppets falling on his head from above. Then you'd flashstep away and probably leave Lil Cal on his bed for later.

That's exactly what you would and _will_ do. You already know just where the puppet trapdoor will be.

* * *

There's my take on the 'how did you tell your friends?' line.

Alright, only the Striders need backstory for this chapter. Lalonde backstory will be revealed in the next chapter.

 **Dave has a younger brother, Sebastian (usually called Seb or Lil Seb), and an older brother, Dirk (usually called Bro).**


	5. Chapter 4: Roxy and John

Your name is Roxy Lalonde and you just got a text from your boyfriend. You sit up straight in bed and open the Pesterchum app.

 **\- ectoBiologist started pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 11:34 -**

EB: hey roxy!

TG: waz up egbert

EB: nothing really

EB: i'm kinda bored actually!

TG: wanan do somethin then

TG: *wanna

TG: *somethkng

TG: *something

TG: oops lol

EB: sure! what do you want to do?

TG: methinks that perhaps a pretty lady and a cute boy coud go for lulch?

TG: hint: us

TG: wonk ;))

TG: what sayeth john to this rruqest?

TG: *spelling

TG: how did i even mess up 'request' so bad

TG: argh my phones keyboard is so slipplerley

TG: hehe point proven rofl

TG: jooooojnn why is sit so slipplerley

TG: *joooohn *it

TG: *not slipperley bc that was on purpose

EB: i dunno

TG: its a retorcal questiooiiiiooonoooooopoooon

TG: *rhetorical questioooooooooion

TG: oh no an i got in there

EB: i can see that :B

TG: what if the o's on the sides of the i are family

TG: theyll never see each other again

TG: what have i dooooone :(

TG: more like what has i done

TG: hehe

EB: so do you want to get pizza

TG: yeah ok ill meet u there! 3

 **\- tipsyGnostalgic stopped pestering ectoBiologist at 11:46 -**

EB: :B

 **\- ectoBiologist stopped pestering tipsyGnostalgic at 11:46 -**

You prop yourself up more comfortably on your pillow, watching your phone for Janey's reply to your message on Pesterchum.

Your phone buzzes and you startle a bit, but it's only John texting his bucktoothed smiley face. You smile and flip over to your chat with Jane.

 **-tipsyGnostalgic started pestering gutsyGumshoe at 11:45-**

TG: hey janey

TG: jaaaaneyyyyy

TG: janey answer your pesterchummmm

TG: jjjjjjjannnnneyyyy

TG: jane

TG: janey

GG: What is it?

TG: yay you replied!

TG: ok so im going on a date :D

GG: Okay…

GG: Why are you telling me?

TG: bc youre my freind and im excited

TG: *friend

TG: this is like the first real date john and i are havinggg

GG: In that case, good for you.

GG: I'm glad you and my cousin are going on a proper date.

GG: It's taken you long enough.

TG: well weve like done stuff b4

TG: but yeah never like actually jisut going out somewhare

TG: *just

TG: *somewhere lol

GG: Well, if you have a date, then you should probably prepare.

TG: all i need to do is change :P

GG: Then do that.  
TG: yeah proably a good idea

TG: *probably

TG: this keyboard is slipplerley

GG: Okay, that particular misspelling had to be intentional.

TG: *gapsp* oh no the great detective janey has cauhgt me!

TG: *caught

GG: Aren't you going to correct 'gapsp'?

TG: lmao! i didnt even notice that

TG: and no im not

TG: i will gapssp all i want!

TG: omg i misspleled my misspelling

TG: *misspelled

GG: I suppose your keyboard really is 'slipplerley'.

TG: yeah it is

TG: i gtg now! see you janey

GG: See you, RoLal.

TG: heheh

 **\- tipsyGnostalgic stopped pestering gutsyGumshoe at 11:56 -**

You put down your phone and stand up. You have a _date_ to get ready for. You yawn and glance at the full-length mirror on your wall. You chuckle to yourself as you toy with the thought of just meeting John in sweatpants and a baggy shirt.

You need to look presentable, though, so you dig around in your wardrobe until you find something you think looks nice. You toss on mascara and dark lipstick and look in the mirror again. You pose a few times for yourself, making faces and contorting into hilarious positions. When you're finally satisfied you head out, grabbing your favourite pink scarf from the front just before you leave.

Good thing you did – it's windy out. You make to put your hands in your pockets and realize you don't actually have any pockets, just a purse. Curse fashionable women's clothing! You consider for a moment rushing back in and grabbing a regular hoodie from your room, one with huge, spacious pockets, but your top is just too cute. Well, at least you look good.

You sigh and push through the wind. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

* * *

Your name is John Egbert, and you're about to walk through the door of the pizza place. You spot your date through the window and wave at her. She notices you and waves enthusiastically back.

You open the door and enter, greeting her with an enthusiastic "Hi!" The warmth inside is already filling you. You can almost feel your toes again!

She flutters her eyelashes at you. "You're late, Mr. Egbert. How could you treat a lady like this?"

You laugh. "Let me make it up to you by buying you pizza."

Roxy smiles coyly. "You had me at pizza."

"That's the last word I said." You tilt your head a little.

"So?"

You shrug, smiling. "I dunno, I just don't think that's how the whole 'you had me at whatever' thing works."

"I do things my own way. I'm a strong, independent woman. Now get me a cheese slice!" She smiles mischievously at you.

You nod and go to order. When you glance back at her, she's texting someone.

A few minutes later, you slide into your seat and place a slice of pizza before her. "You're so romantic, John," she tells you, taking a bite.

"I'm beginning to think you like pizza more than you like me!" you reply.

"What? You didn't already know that?"

You roll your eyes but you can't help a smile.

The rest of the date passes similarly with friendly chat and the occasional playful insult. As you hid her farewell and turn to go, she stops you, kisses you, and as you blush turns you back around and pushes you to the door. "See ya, Egderp!" she calls to you.

Oh no. She's picked it up from Dave.

* * *

Oh god I can't write Roxy _or_ John this was a terrible mistake

Also, sorry for the super short chapter! I wrote this on my phone in like twenty minutes I'm sorry ;-;

 **Roxy has an identical twin, Rose. They're usually easy to tell apart, though, as they wear different clothes and style their hair differently. Their mother is a well-off scientist, Roxanne Lalonde.**

 **John, if you forgot, lives with his little sister Casey and his dad.**


	6. Chapter 5: Aradia and Sollux

Your name is Aradia Megido and you've just woken up.

You tiptoe quietly down the stairs, not wanting to disturb anyone. It's only six thirty and your mother and uncle are still sleeping.

Not that you care about your creep of an uncle.

Your mom, though, might get mad at you if you wake either of them up, since she's always practically pandering to the asshole's every desire. You can't understand why, even though she's explained it. You know that he raised her from birth, you know that he supposedly taught her all she knew (but how could a midget of a man can teach her badass fighting moves? It doesn't make sense).

Another thing you can't figure out is why he makes you call him 'uncle'. He's your mom's uncle, not yours. Ugh. You're not allowed to disrespect him in any way, though, since your mom always gets mad at you when you do anything that could be perceived as a slight. You swear that she hates him as much as you do sometimes, but she seems… scared of him. Really scared sometimes.

How the fuck did he treat her as a kid?

If you think about it, though, her whole weird respect for him does make sense. He was her authority figure growing up, probably Stockholm Syndrome happened, blah blah blah. No one could ever respect or fear that creep without some sort of weird forced relationship with him.

Even though you have a forced relationship with him, you don't care about him one way or another, though. You take pride in your strength. You aren't scared of him at all, either. Sure, it can be a little unnerving when he seems to know everything sometimes, but it's just his weird old-person obsession with reading about everything all the time when he isn't bossing your mom around. You can almost hear his dusty voice commanding her to do things.

"Hannah May, would you please fetch me a glass of water?"

 _Fetch_. Like she's a dog.

She always scrambles to get him what he wants, a lot of her time just dropping her knitting without even finding somewhere to put it like she does when you ask her for something. She'd bring back a tall glass of water with a lemon slice and a couple cubes of ice.

He would sit there in his green armchair, sipping the water and raising an eyebrow at you smugly, like he knew exactly what you were thinking. God damn you hate him. You wish there was a word for such a strong, intense hatred.

Well, there isn't, and you just have to wait for his creepy short ass to die already so you can stop feeling uncomfortable inside your own home all the time. Optimally, he'd just move back into that huge manor with the Nazi who basically owns the whole town, where he used to live before he moved in with your mother. You tie your hair back as you keep walking.

She had been pregnant with your older sister Damara and didn't want her to be raised around Mr. English. So she got herself a small home and raised her there, then she'd had you. You have no idea who your father is, and you don't particularly care. If fathers are as bad as uncles, you're better off without one.

After she'd had you, he had moved in.

Dr. S. Kracht.

You slip on your shoes.

You can't pronounce or spell his ridiculously long first name, but you really couldn't care less. It's a win-win, since you're pretty sure he doesn't really care about your knowledge of his first name. All he cares about when it comes to you is annoying you by using your mother. You keep trying to tell her this, but she never listens.

At least she's stopped denying that he doesn't give a shit about you and started just giving you a look whenever you bring it up. If she won't kick him out, she can at least acknowledge that he's a terrible human being. You're not even sure that he is human at all.

Your train of thought has taken you downstairs and out the front door with barely a sound. As you begin on your daily early-morning run around the neighbourhood, you think some more, but this time it's about your sister Damara.

She had always listened to you about Dr. Kracht and even shared your hatred for him. You think she hated him a little less, but he was less creepy to her. Maybe since she looks a lot like your mother when she was young and Kracht had already gotten being creepy to stereotypical-looking Asian girls out of his system.

Looked. Looked a lot like your mother did. Before she… well, you don't like to think about that.

You hum a quiet tune to yourself as you run down the street where your best friend Sollux lives. You feel your face warm up a bit when you think about him. There. A normal part of your life in contrast to your creepy uncle. Teenage girls are allowed to have crushes, even though he's dating Feferi. You don't really mind, though. It's enough just to spend time with him. You pass his house and your thoughts return to other things.

At last, you return to your own home after circling the neighbourhood. You make to open the door, but… it's locked. Right. That's only to be expected. Your uncle usually locks the door when you go, just to spite you, then he acts like he has no idea what you mean when you confront him.

You reach into your pocket… and groan aloud. You forgot your keys. Dammit. This means you have to ring the doorbell and risk a meeting with him. You sigh. Can't avoid it…

You reach up and push the doorbell. You hear the chime from outside, and loud footsteps approach the door.

Bluh. It's him. Your mother's footsteps are almost inaudible, but he walks like he wants everyone to know he's there. You grimace in anticipation for the strange, passive-aggressive chewing-out you're bound to receive.

The door swings open. Sure enough, the man is standing there. You tower over him, but he's still strangely intimidating. You shudder internally and before he can open his mouth, you push past him. You kick off your shoes and start to dash for the stairs.

"Miss Megido." He always calls you that. You hate it, but you plaster a false smile on anyway.

You turn slowly toward him. "Yes, Doctor?" you ask.

"Please call me Uncle."

You won't. You shrug noncommitally.

"How was your run?" he asks. You blink. Why's he acting like he cares?

"It was fine," you reply cautiously.

"Next time, please be sure to bring your keys, as your mother and I do wish to stay asleep past…" He brings a pocket-watch out from inside his suit. "Past seven o'clock. Your mother had a very long day yesterday, and I'm sure she's very tired. Furthermore, your disturbances-"

Ah, there it is. The condescending lecture was bound to come. "I get it," you mutter, turning to abscond. You hear him sigh in a world-weary way, and you clench your fists, practically stalking up the stairs. That act of defiance, slight though it was, will cost you later. You'll likely have to endure one of his dumb long-winded lectures and apologize. That wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so smug about it.

You sit heavily on your bed, hot angry tears starting to well up in your eyes. You swipe at them, willing them to go away, but they don't. You hate him so much.

It really says something, you reflect after you've cried out all your rage and self-pity, that you're cheerful and happy around everyone but him. Maybe it's because you use up all your negative feelings on him and you don't have any left by the time you interact with other people. You're glad your mother doesn't let other people over, because they'd probably be shocked at the sudden change that comes over you whenever you have to interact with Kracht.

You're pretty sure this isn't how teen rebellion is supposed to work. You never get any victories, and even if you did he'd ruin it somehow. Either way, it isn't like you can do anything about it until you turn 18. Just a few more years and you'll be free.

Most of the problem, though, is that you're even starting to hate your mother for being so nice to him all the time.

The tears are starting to prick at your eyes again.

You sit heavily in your computer chair. At least your mom relented and let you buy a nice computer (with your own money) after years of begging. You pull up Pesterchum. Even though you saw that Sollux's light was off when you jogged by his house, you need to talk to him _now_ so you message him. You're starting to kind of freak out and you don't know why, and that scares you a little.

 **\- apocalypseArisen began pestering twinArmageddons at 7:12 -**

AA: sollux?

AA: sollux i need to talk to you

AA: please answer

AA: sollux

You wipe more stinging tears from your eyes. _Calm down! So you have a dysfunctional home life. You'll be fine. You're probably going to wake Sollux up._ Part of you is suddenly uneasy about messaging him while he's probably asleep.

The rest of you begs Sollux to wake up and answer you already.

Finally, after what seems like forever but could only be a few minutes he replies. You almost fall off your chair in relief.

TA: what the fuck ii2 iit

AA: i need to talk to you its important

AA: can i come over?

TA: are you fuckiing retarded

TA: of cour2e you can fuckiing come over oh my god

TA: dont even bother two ask next tiime

AA: thank you so much

 **\- apocalypseArisen stopped pestering twinArmageddons at 7:24 -**

* * *

Your name is Sollux Captor and damn are you tired.

You force yourself up, though, rolling out of bed clumsily and putting your phone down on your cluttered desk. You toss on some clothes and run a comb quickly through your unruly hair.

You sneak downstairs and out the front door, closing it carefully behind you. You sit down on the front steps and bask in the fresh morning air for a while, admiring the pale blue sky. There's a cloud that looks like a ram's head. You watch it until the wind pushes it into a different shape.

You see movement out of the corner of your eye and you look to your right. Aradia is hurrying down the sidewalk toward you. She smiles brightly and waves when she sees that you've noticed her and you grin back.

"Hey, AA," you greet her as she approaches you. She sits down next to you and beams.

Her eyes are red.

You don't bring it up.

"Thank you so much for letting me come over! I just needed to get away from my uncle." She laughs a bit. "I think I might have been overreacting a little bit when I messaged you. Just, I was thinking about Damara and… and my uncle, and I don't know what happened, but I kind of freaked out." She gives you a small smile.

You've only seen her upset when she thinks about Damara or her uncle. You aren't sure how bad it is when she thinks about both of them.

At least bad enough to make her cry. "What happened?" you ask casually.

"I woke up early for my run-"

"I still don't get how you can not only wake up at the ass-crack of dawn, but wake up at the ass-crack of dawn _consistently_ and then go do _exercise_ ," you interrupt. She giggles and continues. Her faintly-accented giggle is so endearing sometimes. You almost smile, then realize you actually used the word 'endearing' in your own inner monologue and grimace.

"So I went out – actually, I went past your house! I was a little uncertain about pestering you since I saw your light was off, but I still did." She shrugs. You glare at her, but you know she won't take it seriously. "And when I got back, he stopped me and started to give me a lecture."

No point asking who 'he' is.

"I managed to escape after a couple sentences, though," she says, "and then I messaged you and came over here!" She seems a lot more cheerful and relaxed than she was a few minutes ago.

"So is that it?" you grumble. "That's why you woke me up?"

"Sorry," she begins. "I didn't-"

You wave her off. "No, don't. I'm just a little cranky. It's fine, you can wake me up whenever if you're upset."

She grins a wide white grin that goes right to her dark eyes. She looks almost excited. "Just coming over here _really_ helped, Sollux! Thank you so much." She hesitates for a moment. "Could I stay for a bit?"

You raise your eyebrows and curse your inability to just raise one. "No problem. Better yet, we could go to the park or something. If you want."

She's fully back to her regular cheerful self. "That sounds great! Could you push me on the swing?"

You nod and she smiles even wider, if that's possible. "Let's go!" She's on her feet in an instant and jogging down the street. You get up and follow her. Your parents might be awake before you get back… but you can deal with it later. Right now you really just want to go to the park with your best friend and push her on the swing. Even if you get chewed out by your weirdly overprotective dad, it'll be worth it to help Aradia be happy for a while.

You wince. You're becoming sappy. Later you'll make up for your lapse in manliness by being grumpy at Feferi or acting like you don't have feelings. She'll be all concerned and try to cheer you up, like you're doing with Aradia now, and then Ampora will be jealous. You smile at the thought and run to catch up with her. You don't even complain about her going too fast.

* * *

Well, that's the chapter! I feel like I wrote Aradia kind of out of character for most of it... then again, the whole point is that she behaves differently around her uncle. At any rate, here's some backstory (I tried to sort of connect it to the webcomic):

 **Aradia's older sister Damara killed herself after intense bullying, mainly perpetrated by Meenah Peixes. She lives with her mother, Hannah May Megido, and her creepy uncle Dr. S. Kracht.**

 **Sollux lives with his mentally disabled older brother (he was in a skateboarding accident and forgot his helmet) and his father Nick.**

 **Mr. English, who does essentially control the town, has twins, Caliborn and Calliope. Caliborn is like a younger version of his father but Calliope is sweet and doesn't like the rest of her family. They live in a large estate away from the rest of the town.**


	7. Chapter 6: Jade

Your name is Jade Harley and you're sitting in your room, playing with your two adorable little puppies.

They're almost identical save for one major difference; the one you named Jack Noir is pitch-black, hence his name. His female counterpart, PM (it stands for Peregrine Mendicant), is snow-white.

"Good boy! C'mere, Jack!" Your puppy leaps into your arms, tail wagging furiously. The other little dog comes up beside you and licks your hand. You scoop her up too.

"Hey, puppy! You want some attention too?" You giggle and scratch the white puppy behind the ears. Jack, the black one, looks offended in a strange doggy way. You pet him with your other hand and he seems mostly satisfied.

"Jade?" someone says from outside your door. It's Jane's voice.

"Yeah?"

"Would you like some cupcakes? I just baked a batch, and-"

You gasp. You know it's rude and it's a sharp contrast to your sister's ever-present politeness, but you can't help but interrupt. "Of course I would!"

You leap to your feet, waving a quick goodbye to your puppies before closing them in your room. You race downstairs to the kitchen and Jane follows at a slower pace.

You practically salivate when you see and smell the cupcakes. They're chocolate and vanilla, decorated with perfectly swirled icing and colourful hundreds and thousands.

A chocolate cupcake iced in bright green catches your eye. Upon further inspection, little chocolate flower sprinkles are pressed gently into the icing in a spiral pattern.

"Jane, can I please please _please_ have that cupcake?" You're bouncing on the balls of your feet now. You make up your mind that you will _beg_ for that damn cupcake if you have to.

Jane smiles, pleased with your reaction. "I made it specially for you! I know you like chocolate and… green. Um, weird phrasing there." She half-chuckles.

You fling yourself forward and give her a huge hug. "Thank you so much, Jane! You're the best!"

She turns pink and mumbles that it's no big deal and that she likes making cupcakes anyway. You almost hug her again, but instead you pluck the cupcake from its tray and quickly place it on a plate. You stare at it for a moment. "It looks too good to eat! But it smells too good _not_ to eat..."

Jane chuckles. "Go on. I can make more some other time, and I want to know how they are. I tried some new things with these cupcakes and I want to see if they work."

You shrug. "Anything to help you out, Jane!" You sink your teeth into the cupcake...

...and almost melt into a puddle on the floor.

"Holy crap, Jane, this is so good," you tell her with a mouth full of cupcake. "Could you make me cupcakes every day? For the rest of my life? Can I have Jake's cupcake?"

She full-on laughs this time. "No to all three. I can let you have another cupcake from this batch, though."

You take your time with the delicious treat, savouring each heavenly mouthful. You squeak in delighted surprise when you discover a small pocket of chocolate sauce in the middle.

"How did you do that?" you ask after you finish wiping chocolate off your face with a napkin.

She just smiles mysteriously and winks at you. You grin brightly back.

"Can't reveal your tricks, huh? Well, I can respect that. So long as you keep using them."

Jane smiles wider and turns to go upstairs. You remind yourself to resist the urge to wolf down the rest of your cupcake.

Finally, it's done. Jane said you could have another, though, and you're not about to refuse that generous offer.

You glance back at the tray and see another one that you immediately like. It's also chocolate, with black icing and green sprinkles. It almost seems to sparkle green.

You don't manage to eat it as slowly as the first one.

At last, you're ready to go back to your puppies after washing your hands and cleaning your plate. You walk upstairs and hear faint growling. Are they fighting each other or something? Hopefully they're just playing.

You've been told that they behave like demons when you're not around, but you can't quite bring yourself to believe it. They're just so sweet, even if they do behave like bitter old enemies sometimes. You think it's adorable and that they'll get over their little rivalry as they get used to one another.

You approach your door and the growls and snarls quiet. You imagine your puppies stalking up to the door, stiff tails sticking straight out and ears perked.

"It's me," you call softly. You hear claws skittering on the wood of your floor as they recognize your voice and laugh when a few excited yips sound from your room.

You open the door a crack, and you're met with a black nose thrust through said crack. You swing the door fully open and your feet are instantly covered in black-and-white fur. You laugh loudly and Jake peeks out of his room.

"I have new slippers!" you exclaim, pointing down. He chuckles and nods, then he retreats back into his room and closes the door.

As you try to herd the puppies into your room, the family dog Becquerel pads by. He sniffs at you, then continues on disinterestedly. Your arms are full of writhing dog by the time you notice he's there, but he's gone too soon for you to try to reach out and pet him. You swear, sometimes it seems like he just disappears!

Finally, you manage to get your door shut and your puppies inside. You sit down on the floor and they're all over you in an instant, licking your face and wagging their tails furiously. They're just so _cute!_ How could your family possibly think of them as demons? These two would never hurt a fly. Metaphorically.

Your computer 'dings' and you stand up, plucking the dogs off you and placing them gently on your bed. They immediately start to tussle, biting each others' ears and clawing at each others' flanks. You watch them play fondly, then check your Pesterchum. It's Dave.

 **\- turntechGodhead started pestering gardenGnostic at 13:22 -**

TG: yo harley

TG: sup

GG: hi dave! :)

GG: and nothing much, you?

TG: idk bored

GG: i just had the best cupcakes ever!

GG: jane is suuuuch a good baker omg!

TG: thats some exciting stuff right there

TG: cant wait to hear the whole scoop on this cupcake action

TG: national tier news you got here harley

TG: you could be rich

TG: make a documentary about how good the cupcakes are

GG: :/

GG: daaaaaave

TG: ok no but in all seriousness

TG: i really want a fucking cupcake now

TG: youve awakened the cupcake beast within me harley

TG: it will destroy the whole city trying to find what it wants

GG: well there are more cupcakes

GG: i didnt eat ALL of them!

TG: what

TG: this just in

TG: there are more goddamn cupcakes

TG: breaking news

TG: ill be at your house in five

GG: but you live like half an hour away

GG: youd have to break several laws to get here in five

GG: in fact im not sure its even possible! :o

TG: the law can wait

TG: man needs his cupcakes

GG: you wish! ill eat them before you can get them :)

TG: oh hell no

TG: oh no you just fucking didnt

TG: shits getting serious man

GG: ok but really why did you message me?

TG: does a guy have to have a reason to want to talk to one of his friends

GG: i dunno! i guess not!

GG: bluh i think jack is going to mess up my bed

TG: what

TG: who

TG: who is this 'jack' and why is he on your bed jade

GG: eww! not like that! D:

GG: jacks my new puppy! i forgot to tell you

GG: i also have a puppy called pm now

TG: ok that makes considerably more sense

TG: and i suddenly have an overwhelming urge to see those puppies

TG: …

TG: ok i now realize that that was some pretty poor wording

GG: mm yeah maybe a little :P

GG: ill turn on video chat

TG: ok

 **\- gardenGnostic invited turntechGodhead to a video chat -**

 **\- turntechGodhead accepted video chat invitation -**

You adjust your webcam so your room is actually visible. You wave hello to it and Dave waves back. His face is perfectly blank, as usual, and he seems anticipatory. You pick Jack up and hold him in front of the camera.

"This is Jack Noir," you tell Dave.

He nods slightly. "Original naming skills off the charts, Harley," he responds.

You're not sure if he's being sarcastic or not, but you stick your tongue out at him anyway. Just to be safe.

"Your turn, PM!" You grab PM from the bed, putting Jack down, and hold her up.

You're pretty sure Dave's facial muscles are twitching a bit as he tries not to react to the undeniable adorableness of your dogs. You giggle at him and he raises an eyebrow above his shades.

"What?"

"How can you even resist at least going 'aww' at these little doggies?"

He stares at you, then replies completely deadpan. "Aww."

You giggle again. "Fine, have it your way, mister. I'll just sit here and cuddle my doggies."

He begins to say something, but there's suddenly a noise behind him. He swears loudly and shouts to someone you can't see.

"BRO, HOLY SHIT! GET THESE FUCKING PUPPETS OUT OF MY ROOM! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT NOT ONLY TWICE IN ONE DAY, BUT TWICE IN ONE HOUR?" Someone, presumably his brother, shouts back, but you can't make out the words.

He turns back to the camera. "I gotta go clean up some plush rumps. See ya, Harley." He waves to you and you smile.

"See you!"

 **\- turntechGodhead ended video chat -**

GG: bye! good luck with the puppets!

TG: thanks

TG: bye

 **\- turntechGodhead stopped pestering gardenGnostic at 13:49 -**

You turn off your computer and flop down onto your bed, letting PM and Jack swarm over you. Everyone always jokes about Dave only pretending to be cool when he really is a dork, but you don't think so. You think Dave _is_ cool, not because of his irony (okay, maybe maybe a little), but mostly because he's just such a good friend. He does act like a dork sometimes, but it's kind of cute.

You wonder whether Jane would let you have another cupcake if you asked _really_ nicely…

* * *

 **This was the longest chapter yet! Hooray.**

 **Alright, let's learn about the Harleys!**

 **Jade Harley's older brother is Jake Harley (he calls himself Jake English sometimes because he thinks it sounds cool, though). Jane Crocker is her cousin, but they live together since her parents gave her over to her grandparents. Said grandparents are the guardians of the Harleys plus Jane. The family owns a large white dog named Becquerel or Bec for short. Jade recently adopted two puppies, Jack Noir and Peregrine Mendicant. They terrorize everyone when she isn't around, but they're incredibly loyal to her.**


End file.
